My addiction started when I was 5….. With books!! My earliest memories of me in childhood are majority of me with my head buried in books. I didn’t know it then, but I used books as a way to escape. I escaped the chaotic, noisy and unstable childhood I had. I wanted to numb the feelings of not being good enough and fantasise about a different life and world. Constantly moving houses and states really affected my core beliefs and self-esteem. Along with my parents always screaming at us kids.
Fast forward to 12 when one of the biggest traumatic experiences happened. My beautiful and closest member of my family died from suicide. I remember the night the police knocked, after dinner and I opened the door.
The grief I experienced was nothing I’d ever felt before and I didn’t know how to express it. I don’t remember getting any counselling and it wasn’t easy to talk to my parents. My parent’s way of grieving was to take us to another country for 6 months. The distraction was good but once back, the anger I felt came and was overwhelming. I started to run away from home.
Full of anger and rebellion and blaming myself a lot for not reaching out to my sister I started breaking the law. At first it felt exciting but soon I was blamed as the ringleader. I went to children’s court, and I vividly remember my mum telling the judge that ‘she washes my hands clean of me”. I felt so alone and unlovable. I went in and out of juvie and often got bailed to youth hostels. There was so little support back then, I really feel like the system failed me.
My love affair with alcohol started at this age and it felt amazing. Because I grew up with children should be seen and not heard, I suppressed my emotions and they could come out when I was drunk. Alcohol gave me confidence and I’d hang out with the older crowd. I was always wanting the older men to “save” me. Which came with its own set of trauma.
At 17 I tried meth. Smoking it back then made me talk all night and connect with others. I got to talk about my problems and get it all out whilst not getting in as much trouble as alcohol caused me. I felt like I fit in somewhere and belonged. Like a secret society. It wasn’t long I was hooked. For 17 years I was on and off in addiction, but I always had a little voice that would say “I want more than this life”. So much happened in those 17 years I could literally write a book!! What I will say is those years were filled with a lot of pain, suffering and trauma. Jail sentences, Violent assaults from partners, working in the adult entertainment industry, losing more close people to suicide, and the absolute worst and agonising pain of not seeing my child for 8 long years. So many times, I would clean myself up and try again with life. But it was hard and lonely. I cannot believe the destruction I caused to myself and others when in active addiction. It was a vicious cycle of shame and grief.
I was at rock bottom in prison when I decided enough was ENNOUGH!! I found an amazing book called “you can heal your life” by Louise L Hay and slowly started building my self-esteem. I sought trauma counselling, AOD counselling, participated in education and programs and even completed the pathways program on my own.
Since then, I have had many ups and a couple of downs, but I continue to pick myself up and move forward. I have attended rehab, group therapy, hypnotherapy, EMDR therapy and 1 on 1 counselling. I have surrounded myself with people who are in recovery or are healthy supportive people. I have completed education and got qualifications so that I can help others and be of service which helps me stay on track.
I am currently using my voice to help make change with others at the AODCCC who have been paramount to building my confidence, through workshops and training, being an active reference group member, informed of opportunities within the sector via their newsletter but most of all feeling accepted and encouraged by all staff. I am so grateful for joining the AODCCC and being a part of a community that supports, fights for change and heals.